lunchtime dialogue.
Lunch was enlightening, and did wonders for my mood. For one, I left later than all, being engrossed in a career disussion with a fren. It got my mind off matters, and was welcome respite. The same guy who chided me earlier now tells me, "beware the lure of this thing called a career; that coming home to an empty home does not a career make". Wise words, taken from his experience. Wise words which I took heed and foregone an early lunch for. Someone it trying to tell me something.
More sobering was how I almost had to lunch alone. everyone left when I came out of the stairwell. I had not made lunch appointments. Alone I walked to places of food, loneliness as creamy foam on the poisonous brew of heartbreak. As I walked, I remembered frens who asked for lunch which I rejected; along the way, I met frens going to lunch, whom I may join. The message seems clear: I am not alone in my walk. Should I flounder, many would come and help me up. Should I take grief, many rise to offer help and advice. I thank Him for His provision, and I pray she gets the same. Frens in need are frens indeed.
At lunch's apex, was my company. My fren spoke of God's blessing to him as a pupil, how he was given more so than others. He was wondering why that had been the case, and had fasted on it. It was a cold slap to jolt me up. In truth, it seemed like I had been blest tremendously as well. I take that for a fact.
In the first place, I was given acknowledgement, satisfaction, and taught like nowhere else. Given much more than my fellows, I just lapped it up, but did not wonder why. I was paid, where my predecessors were not. At the second place, distinguishment by payment is greater, and whilst there was no other distinguishment, the presence of frens at every single level allowed me stuff my peers had not. Never once had I wondered why - I just took it.
Come to think of it, why am I given more? Am I to be taught something important? Am I to be thus blest for something greater? I look upon my hands and view my mind in different light. Why had I, in light of such gifts, choose to wallow in self pity? Why had I, when I had it all, choose to whine and eventually drive her away? Why had I, with my innate abilities, choose to focus on certain issues, and not pursue other neglected areas? How unbalanced a life I led! Lord enter my life and make me whole and balanced again.
I look back at how busy my life was, and how I thrived in it. I led a precarious balance, and when she came into it, I toppled everything. I ask Him now for renewed balance, to be created anew for my inner engine to work again. All my gifts and achievements need a direction which only God can give. I submit to His will on this. He shall judge me and my current sate, and give verdict.
I ask that He recreate this balance, with her as a factor now. Its no longer have or have not, but with or without.
I had wallowed enough. I shall rise again. My grief is not ended, my waiting had not ceased: I still want and will wait for her. But I move on in life. To wallow as I did was a waste - it showed not of how great I loved, but of how weak I am. I shall walk the world with pride and confidence, wearing my pain and loss like a mantle. I had wasted so much of God's gift, I feel more like Samson where I had been like Jonah.
Final piece of insight: I had been like a vice, clamped to tightly, blindly in my urge to hold on, that the party held needs to breathe and might be hurt. I did not try to understand and wrnt by own assumption. I shall now presume and assume no longer. In God, the omniscient I trust.
More sobering was how I almost had to lunch alone. everyone left when I came out of the stairwell. I had not made lunch appointments. Alone I walked to places of food, loneliness as creamy foam on the poisonous brew of heartbreak. As I walked, I remembered frens who asked for lunch which I rejected; along the way, I met frens going to lunch, whom I may join. The message seems clear: I am not alone in my walk. Should I flounder, many would come and help me up. Should I take grief, many rise to offer help and advice. I thank Him for His provision, and I pray she gets the same. Frens in need are frens indeed.
At lunch's apex, was my company. My fren spoke of God's blessing to him as a pupil, how he was given more so than others. He was wondering why that had been the case, and had fasted on it. It was a cold slap to jolt me up. In truth, it seemed like I had been blest tremendously as well. I take that for a fact.
In the first place, I was given acknowledgement, satisfaction, and taught like nowhere else. Given much more than my fellows, I just lapped it up, but did not wonder why. I was paid, where my predecessors were not. At the second place, distinguishment by payment is greater, and whilst there was no other distinguishment, the presence of frens at every single level allowed me stuff my peers had not. Never once had I wondered why - I just took it.
Come to think of it, why am I given more? Am I to be taught something important? Am I to be thus blest for something greater? I look upon my hands and view my mind in different light. Why had I, in light of such gifts, choose to wallow in self pity? Why had I, when I had it all, choose to whine and eventually drive her away? Why had I, with my innate abilities, choose to focus on certain issues, and not pursue other neglected areas? How unbalanced a life I led! Lord enter my life and make me whole and balanced again.
I look back at how busy my life was, and how I thrived in it. I led a precarious balance, and when she came into it, I toppled everything. I ask Him now for renewed balance, to be created anew for my inner engine to work again. All my gifts and achievements need a direction which only God can give. I submit to His will on this. He shall judge me and my current sate, and give verdict.
I ask that He recreate this balance, with her as a factor now. Its no longer have or have not, but with or without.
I had wallowed enough. I shall rise again. My grief is not ended, my waiting had not ceased: I still want and will wait for her. But I move on in life. To wallow as I did was a waste - it showed not of how great I loved, but of how weak I am. I shall walk the world with pride and confidence, wearing my pain and loss like a mantle. I had wasted so much of God's gift, I feel more like Samson where I had been like Jonah.
Final piece of insight: I had been like a vice, clamped to tightly, blindly in my urge to hold on, that the party held needs to breathe and might be hurt. I did not try to understand and wrnt by own assumption. I shall now presume and assume no longer. In God, the omniscient I trust.
posted by Zachary Shim | 2:12 pm
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