sleep deprived.
I slept at 3 plus... freaking tired this morning. Did more soul searching, mentally consolidating all advice given the past few days, running it thru my objective mental faculties, and my subjective heart... They came to a united front, a similar result: I need my angel.
Two evils clouded my judgment: pride and selfishness.
They caused me not to see her as she was, a loving gal always at my side, her nobility and kindess making me ache from the tender feelings I get. How I melted when she passed me the coins to give to that street performer... It softened my calloused heart, and considered myself unworthy. Too cynical I am perhaps, to see beyond the potential harm, no delving in for the inherent good.
I loved her dearly and yet I had not reacted until she is gone. I took her for granted when she was around, but now I am so utterly lost. Friends had thought me hardier, had advised that others may come my way. Now they see my sorrow, they see my unshed tears and know I want no other. None will replace my angel, none will have her qualities. None had so utterly tamed and changed me, and none I have so utterly loved.
Woe to me, for I have lost my dearest. I had not told her that when she was around, and now that she is gone, there is none to hear it. Dearest, because there will be none dearer than she was to me.
Facing the pile of unread research, I feel slightly despaired, yet delightfully purposed. 1 research, 1 IPO PR, 1 conversion document... I feel... strangely alive. I guess I crave work like a drug addict craves drugs - I hate my addiction, yet I still live for it. Like a drug I consume it, to numb me from the ache I feel. Life seemed so adrift, such external anchor is so welcome. Nothing jolts you back like deadlines and scoldings.
I have lost joy in my life. Food is now but sustenance - there is no taste nor joy in eating. Time free is now torturous to an extent, as my pain gets replayed over and over.
Let me plunge into the numbing pool of work. Work and archery at full blast, to burn myself in penance. I had wasted my love, and thus deserved no pity. In tasks I shall find relief.
Two evils clouded my judgment: pride and selfishness.
They caused me not to see her as she was, a loving gal always at my side, her nobility and kindess making me ache from the tender feelings I get. How I melted when she passed me the coins to give to that street performer... It softened my calloused heart, and considered myself unworthy. Too cynical I am perhaps, to see beyond the potential harm, no delving in for the inherent good.
I loved her dearly and yet I had not reacted until she is gone. I took her for granted when she was around, but now I am so utterly lost. Friends had thought me hardier, had advised that others may come my way. Now they see my sorrow, they see my unshed tears and know I want no other. None will replace my angel, none will have her qualities. None had so utterly tamed and changed me, and none I have so utterly loved.
Woe to me, for I have lost my dearest. I had not told her that when she was around, and now that she is gone, there is none to hear it. Dearest, because there will be none dearer than she was to me.
Facing the pile of unread research, I feel slightly despaired, yet delightfully purposed. 1 research, 1 IPO PR, 1 conversion document... I feel... strangely alive. I guess I crave work like a drug addict craves drugs - I hate my addiction, yet I still live for it. Like a drug I consume it, to numb me from the ache I feel. Life seemed so adrift, such external anchor is so welcome. Nothing jolts you back like deadlines and scoldings.
I have lost joy in my life. Food is now but sustenance - there is no taste nor joy in eating. Time free is now torturous to an extent, as my pain gets replayed over and over.
Let me plunge into the numbing pool of work. Work and archery at full blast, to burn myself in penance. I had wasted my love, and thus deserved no pity. In tasks I shall find relief.
posted by Zachary Shim | 9:41 am
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