agonized.

I dunno whats wrong with me. I just let the whole day drift away. Aimless, idle, just going from minute to minute, not knowing what to do next, not wanting to do anything.

Did not go to the gym, did not go swim, did not wanna do work, did not wanna go out. I feel the trappings of a recluse slowly encasing me from the exterior. I dunno whats my problem. I feel like I have lived a lie. I feel like there is something terribly wrong with me, but I just cannot put a finger to it.

I need to let out all these, but yet I dun wanna talk. Just dun feel like having human contact. Just wanna lie down in my room, look at the sky change colour. This is not the kinda life I want. Whats freaking wrong with me?!?!

I miss her so much, it hurts like shit. I dunno why. I thought I was moving along fine. Slow, gradual, but definitely moving on. I dunno what the hell caused me to suddenly spring back and mope again. This is very uncharacteristic of me. Everything that I deemed over is usually filed nicely away. Why am I still entangled in this web of missing, pining, mourning and moping? I hate it man. Hate my weakness.

Perhaps she is my weakness. My Achilles heels. Perhaps with her out of my life, I will be impenetrable once again. I feel so vulnerable now. I was never so ruled by emotions. Level headed, cold even at times. Why am I so sappy and putty-like now? Is this really what spurned love feels like? Or is it another baser quality? Will it turn to hate or resentment when it all sours?

ARGHHHHHHHHHHH !! I DUNNO!!!!

Frustrated. If only she'd call. If only I get to see her in person, and end it all. Hanging there like this drives me mad. Never liked waiting. She made me wait since the onset, and she is still making me wait at the offset. What is this?

I love her, yet I hate her effect on me. I hate myself. Need to dull the senses... thinking and emoting too much.