mistrust.
What is love? Does it involve full disclosure? Does it not result in co-relianceof two parties voluntarily? Does it not make them wish to spend time together, work towards a co-existence and persist in harmony? Does it not perpetuate joy, happiness, laughter, and relaxation of both parties? Does it not involve trust, respect, and responsibilities? Obligations, self imposed out of the consideration called love?
I am in love. Yet I do not feel it. God loves me, yet I do not disclose, do not rely, am not happy. Love given, enjoyed and restricted in a certain sense. Noy fully internalized, retained at arm;s length. My angel watches over me... but that is all I feel - the watchfulness. There is no contact. There is no exchange. There is no trust. There is no appreciation for what is done. Wherefore, is love?
Whatfore, is love? I do not feel the joy as I once did, though the love remains the same. It is like where there was once a resonance, there remains now a singular note. Where is the excitement? The weight it all drives me crazy. I cannot depend on this amorphous quantity to not renounce and reject me - I cannot force myself to rely on the fact that I am taken for who I am. Because I have a sickening feeling I am not. Because, my doubts remain unquelshed, and it festers within like vermin feasting on fresh blood.
I etch though the days, with a forced smile and freigned flippancy. I prioritise like I always did, seeking satisfaction in work accomplished. Yet. At the very core of it, I realised I found no joy. I realised my old life was just a scramble of objectives, the strict clockwork a means to fill the emptiness. Love was absence, replaced by fondness. How happy I was when I found the real thing. The thing that makes me reprioritise. The thing that makes my steps light and work enjoyable. Yet. That very thing has eluded me. That very thing, has changedme and left me. I am left behind, irrevocably changed for the better life, and yet stuck in remnants of the old. A round screw in a square peg.
Deformities, failures and inactivity. I feel lousy. I am MADE to feel lousy. I dunno why. Where I would have looked for support, love and acceptance I found none. Where I thought I would be free of weighing scales, I found one even more fine tuned. Judged for my every word; judged for every act linked to me. Why? why has that which I clinged on turned into such a trap? Why has the poison that took me out continue to burn my deadened flesh? why?
I am in love. Yet I do not feel it. God loves me, yet I do not disclose, do not rely, am not happy. Love given, enjoyed and restricted in a certain sense. Noy fully internalized, retained at arm;s length. My angel watches over me... but that is all I feel - the watchfulness. There is no contact. There is no exchange. There is no trust. There is no appreciation for what is done. Wherefore, is love?
Whatfore, is love? I do not feel the joy as I once did, though the love remains the same. It is like where there was once a resonance, there remains now a singular note. Where is the excitement? The weight it all drives me crazy. I cannot depend on this amorphous quantity to not renounce and reject me - I cannot force myself to rely on the fact that I am taken for who I am. Because I have a sickening feeling I am not. Because, my doubts remain unquelshed, and it festers within like vermin feasting on fresh blood.
I etch though the days, with a forced smile and freigned flippancy. I prioritise like I always did, seeking satisfaction in work accomplished. Yet. At the very core of it, I realised I found no joy. I realised my old life was just a scramble of objectives, the strict clockwork a means to fill the emptiness. Love was absence, replaced by fondness. How happy I was when I found the real thing. The thing that makes me reprioritise. The thing that makes my steps light and work enjoyable. Yet. That very thing has eluded me. That very thing, has changedme and left me. I am left behind, irrevocably changed for the better life, and yet stuck in remnants of the old. A round screw in a square peg.
Deformities, failures and inactivity. I feel lousy. I am MADE to feel lousy. I dunno why. Where I would have looked for support, love and acceptance I found none. Where I thought I would be free of weighing scales, I found one even more fine tuned. Judged for my every word; judged for every act linked to me. Why? why has that which I clinged on turned into such a trap? Why has the poison that took me out continue to burn my deadened flesh? why?
posted by Zachary Shim | 9:40 pm
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