the greatest whinery this side of cyberia

It was really crazy... I slept at 4 plus, and I actually forgot to to set the alarm!!! To my horror, I woke at 12 (8 hrs of sleep), and just rushed to church. It was still too late though, and I was just in time to hear LW announce that service has ended. How dramatic. LW had to convene some meeting, so the little meeting I was suppose to have with her was to be postponed. And since all my lunch kakis are in that meeting, I had to scout around for lunch folks... Saw YL and a new comer and proceed to Beautyworld for lunch... ...and I had Inniskinn !!!Description in detail.... the bouquet was unassuming at first blush, conservative even. On closer inspection, the result was beyond pleasant, and stunned the palates. The lush rich dark undertones complimented the smoothness and the clarity of the sweetness. The contrast was like ebony upon snow... drastic and nice. I was entranced, totally absorbed in drinking in the details. Everything was subtle, and as time passes, it just got better an...

I had the longest wait ever at wala's, waited for 1 whole hour at the queue... cos the pols raided the place or something. Had the longest interval too...very devastating start to the night... I had the most non-alcoholic wala session ever - only 1 bottle, cos I drove. It was also the most musically disappointing one.... wrong acoustic from where I was sitting. The music was indulgent, and the sounds were the same, but somehow it did not seem the same. Perhaps it was just me. Perhaps they sounded great but I was just too miserable to enjoy it. I had the most interesting company and supper ever too. Went to Crystal Jade's with yoyo's German fren from dragonboat and various frens accumulated over the years. The food was ok, and the small talk started ot get interesting when one of them began cross examining the others. And making sweeping statements, and try defending them. It was fun, to see her try. It was fun, to be rude and carry on separate conversations. Better even, to...

Wala's later!!! yay!!! Haven heard the Unexpected for quite a while!! Was reprimanded by mumsie tho... she questions my regularity...hm... Can't I just go cos I like the music? Bleah... But thats not all... I was accused of sending wrong signals, that might have justified past accusations! How amusing... she flared up towards the end, and, as much as I would like to appease her, I was too amused to do anything... hahaha hilarious...

I am to bloody full. Ate tonnes of bread this afternoon, cos the fresh baguette and brown loaf from simply bread was too good... and dad made bailey's coffee... yums! And then there was fruit salad by mumsie, right before dinner... Dinner was huge... bruchettas, potato salad and huge steak, lamb sausages plus herbed mushrooms as sides... I feel like a pig! Washed it down with a nice bottle of french red and aged cheese

I felt so many forms of relapses today, I am just spaced out by the time I am penning this... today seem a funny end to the week, being hit by so many negatives it makes anything else a positive... I woke, feeling the relapse of the early morning grouchiness... the type that used to make me snarl at whoever wakes me, snarl at whoever disrupts my schedule for the day. It was with great effort that I pulled on a smile to leave my room. I woke to such surliness I wondered why my toothpaste did not taste sour. Or how I did not bite it in two. I drove, feeling the relapse of recklessness.... the type that nearly got me killed in Perth, the type that causes a primal rage in me when I see any who obstruct my path, or cause me to slow down. The sheer addiction for speed adrenaline that clipped my wings came back like some undiscovered hook in the flesh... that tore at my nerves, to urge me to negotiate crazy turns at 100+.. and accelerate when I bend. I left home at 9 55. I reached the Law car...

I went all the way to town to buy the pair of shoes I saw last week, but it was no longer there. I feel SO pissed. And thats after walking from orchard to raffles place. Bleah. I hate shopping and NOT buying. Bought a pair of cuff links though. Nice safe designs that goes with anything. Shall buy more adventurous stuff when my wardrobe takes shape... And yes, I actually have orange and pinks!! I feel so unhealthy today... calling off wala's tomorrow... Shall stay away from alcohol for a while... I still need my body for at least 5 decades, so better take better care of it. Hmmm ... Abstinence! It should not be hard! The team went north for a Kedah shoot... I am so out of touch with them... sigh... think its high time I dust my bow again.... Pee had a relapse... and so did I. Will I be greeted on my birthday? Unlikely, since even when it lasted it was not remembered. Immerse myself, in sweet warm swirls of lovely golden melancholia...NOT! Listen to Eamon! Dun waset your bday wish P!...

I woke up feeling pretty lousy... not hungover, but just generally unhappy. Bleah... Slept at 4, but woke up automatically at 10+... so thats 6 hours of sleep for me... I feel energetic somewhat. I dunno why; even the body feel so rested it is amazing! I think clubbing is losing its appeal to me... at least zouk is. Perhaps is it time to change venue? And I have been drinking way too much... realise my body is still taking everything thats thrown at it, but I dunno when it will start to fail... my innards, my skin, my brain... the gross pictures on those ciggie packs come to mind... Yikes... I must have dreamt about them last night. Besides, the beer belly is getting bigger. and bigger. and bigger. Bleah. How to run, carrying a barrel at ur tummy? I need to lose it, fast! And detox!!! I need my muscles back! Feel so bloody weak now.

Tonight was a collection of disappointments... First, the lomography display was pathetic. I had seen better pictures taken. And the mood of velvet was so distorted by the exhibition.... bleah. Met Esther, which was good, but I did not bother talking to her for long... the topics just ran dry... Phuture was sad... We spent hours waiting for something to happen... and it did not. There were no good music, no good crowd, no good drinks to get us going... at last, at 11 30, we went to mambo. Mambo was passable.. standard kiddish stuff that only the drunken could dance to. It was good... cradling my jug of long island, I was lost to my surroundings, lost to my inhibitions, lost to my concerns. Passable... but still mambo... I feel old.... bleah..... Supper at Five star there after was good... Mun's Bday, so he treated... and it was jolly gd way to end the night! In fact, I think the chicken rice was better than te clubbing! How sad is that? bleah... MAy the next week be much better! Ha...

When your name is zach.... your name becomes at the last name on any phone book. When people dun lock their phone, they dial you by mistake. It has happened SO often I hate my name. at least 2 times a week. Dear frens reading this, PLS lock ur phone. Or get clam shells. Good thing I changed my plan to free incoming, else I would be paupered by now. Even my dad dialled wrongly... called me from India last time. Sheeshh... it sounds so similar to other things... like ..."eXactly"..."Dat" ..."Mad"... Say these words lound enough in my vicinity, and chances are u will meet my glance, or see me looking around to see who is calling. No wonder I have a weak neck. It is not the old swim injury, but the overuse of it from looking ard to see who is calling.

I just returned from a swim. It is amazing what being submerged in a great pool of chlorified waters can do to clear your mind! I feel refreshed, both bodily and mentally. And I kinda forgot how I used to love swimming... heh, this hols seem to be one big recollection point for me, to have things I used to do, love and adore thrown back at me, wave after wave. Ah... to just sink back and enjoy the cool weaves of waters flowing around the body, feeling of weightlessness in both body and mind... sublime. No time for sauna tho, else it would be enjoyment of water in its various forms... A few songs, old and new, have found their way into my playlist set on replay... "Must be dreaming","I go Blind", "Can't take my eyes off you","Blower's Daughter" and "I don't want you back" Somehow, they just fit together, like some story! hahaha its damn funny!! Especially when read with my MSN nick! Ah... the small things in life that bring o...

Have you ever... ....tried climbing the rocky mountains armed only with a concert triangle? ...fled in the face of an elephant, upon its gentle advances? ...seen the charred remains of something dear, due to your own careless flames? ...been stuck with a strange beat in your head for the longest time, unable to clear yours mind? ...tried racing after the sun, only to give up at noon when it is at its hottest? ...raised your bow to shoot at an angel, only to have it dry fire and explode in your face? ...leaned on a staff for your sojourns and realise you are so used to it that now you can't let go? Ever been awakened from a dream within a dream, and swear it was more real than reality itself? Ever become so caught up in the act and processes of living that you actually cease to have a life? Deep undercurrents rocking the boat from left to right, its hull scored and scarred by the unknown objects carried by the passage of time.

I think I have become a pig. And my priorities have gone so askew... I stayed up till 2 to fix my blog skin, and I read/ tved till 4 before I sojourned to lalaland... Did not do a bit of proper work for the whole day... just slacked it all away.... Bah... I dunno... I hate it when I have nothing to show on the slate at the end of the day... but its the hols... and the bed bugs really bite... slept so much I dun even bother making my bed anymore... Looking forward to going out tonight.. I need to get fresh air. Night air. But before I do so, I need to hit the gym with sis. 42, then yo suggest a half mara first... in september.. bleah... run run run. Healthy living!!! Needa clean up! I dun think I would be staying on campus this sem... I think OSA hates me. First, they ignored my legit application. Then, they failed my wait list. I think I would have to change my subject combi... I think I will have a 3 day week... Monday to Wed only! SUPER LONG weekend!!! Muahahaha. Somehow, last night...

My applications for boarding has failed. I am stuck with 5 late nights and a long journey home... woe is to me...unless I get the car... which is unlikely. Bleah... infinite sadness. I went to lot 1 today... and was shocked to see the new tenants... seems to be doing pretty well! The after effects of capital reit I guess. It is good to see where the investment flow has gone to, and even better to note the rise in physical measure. So many people today!! and its a week day! And the service is good too! Sis bought a bottle, which she later regretted, and I was able to persuade the retailer to allow for an exchange in kind, DESPITE the non-exchange policy disclaimed at its doors, DESPITE that foolish sis threw away the receipt. Impressed. Used to the super low service standards here, I was glad the standards have risen. Cant wait for school to start... not having stuff to do is killing me!!! arghz

I have naught to post, except that I have found myself caught in a rut. The feeling is horrid. This is a different bleand from the boughs of melancholia that I sometimes feels. Those, I suffer in amusement, for it is quite funny and entertaining at times, on hind sight. This rutness however, is like a fester. It is like garbage, and its stink clogs my nostrils with unpleasantness. I do not know how to be rid of it... it clings to me like a tatoo... argh... I feel like trying to get rid of it is like tearing off my skin. Given enuff impetus, I might do just that! For now, lone reflections would have to suffice to repel anything. Had a convo with a broker... was recommended a few other penny beside the one considered. The rut I feel makes me feel less inclined to continue, but what is started has to end I guess. Went for a new haircut... and to my chagrin it was that same hairdresser on duty. Yes, she is nice and sweet, very gentle etctetc... but she suck! She made me look like I was bal...

Pratchettian quote of the year: "[T]he interesting thing about angels, is that sometimes...at a point in a man's career where he has made such a foul and tangled mess of his life that death appears to be the only sensible option, an angel appears to him and offers him a chance to go back to the moment when it all went wrong, and this time do it right ..." Few amongst us ever aspire to be angels. In this age and time where pack rule rules, and herd mentality reins, counter-social Darwinism like being "an angel" seem to be suicide. Even for the few who does make that conscious choice, what is it that stops them from being the self-appointed judge later on, and eventually, the personal devil meting out punishment? I have seen it so often. Not a pretty sight. Yet, there remains a few who will stick to their angelic cause to the core, to really be harbingers of hope. How many angels have there been in your life? Have you been an angel to someone's day? Was visite...

I move fast. Having posted my recollections, I called made some investments. Called in a Blue, and will monitor its progress before future commitments. Have my eyes another the night before, and will monitor its proximity before further steps. Market might be closed, but I still have my prospectuses and word of mouth. :) Got a penny, from a local second year startup... seems highly promising, but too early to tell I guess. KIV, and watch this space! Was toying with the idea of tech stocks... but nah... not a techie. I consider again though, if spot virgin, untapped niches. Yay, it is a good day!

More of my recollected memories, this time from the supper conversation: I realise my mind replays things by default when it is at rest.... maybe thats why I get these deja vu feelings all the time... freaky...cant seem to stop it tho... Anyway, having been burnt in the recent M&A, (merger was called off cos there was a divergence in common understanding of the terms of agreement...), I have decided to remain as a private entity for a longer period. It will take a while before the size will grow again, and it will be a while before shareholder interest can again be garnered for another M&A and subsequent public listings. the market is very quiet... deadly still in the aftermath of that embarassing disengagement of talks. And granted it should be so. Most failed mergers attract more publicity than successful ones, and leave deeper and greater impression to the public. And to the shareholders of course. Over late night tea with Pee, we decided perhaps it would be wiser to NOT con...

This post is a regurgitation of remembered thoughts: This notes the feelings of gladness, joy and congratulations I felt went I heard she got what she wanted. It is like a burden lifted, a soothing sigh. As a fren, I congratulate her, and yet I am of mind to keep my distance, for I know my presence will bring back memories. I toyed with ideas on how to gently congratulate her, but I realise anythingi do would be tainted. I have lost my objectivity, yet I do not blame myself; true objecttivity is seldom achieved, and is often mere tortured subjectivity at work. I do blame myself in trying to be too objective in the past - to be so would be to ignore and stifle emotions. I fear emotions remember? It is just therefore, that it be my bane. En route to wala's by train last night, I chanced upon an insight. Somehow, my mind becomes more philosophical when my peripheral vision is at full blast... perhaps that why people need muses... I digress... I realise that the emotion called love is ...

Somethings in life just cannot be forced. Some things in life has to happen one way or another. Some things in life will remain as they ever will be. Some things in life can never be changed Yet, Not all things can happen by our planning. Not all attempts will bear fruit. No amount of effort could guarantee vicotory. No amount of time could secure an answer. What gives, then? Live life as one would be, shipbound: You can charter your course, you can trim your sails, but ultimately you only ride the waves and tease the tides. You keep your eyes peeled for icebergs, but who knows when fog comes? OR Live life as one would, trainbound: You know your course, you plan your route, but ultimately you live for the end, journey from station to station with the end in mind. You cannot plan who comes onboard and who leaves. You cannot alter your course once you have chosen. You can only hope the young punks wont leave too much gum or graffitti on your walls. Melancholia, nice and sweet, swirling i...

I can see it vaguely, on hindsight... It is still a blur, but its form and shape is clear: I have changed, I have evolved. My life has taken new courses and path, each taken upon a new light of its own. Old habits that I thought would persist did not subsist... New ones previously disregarded now spring to life in its place... Old interests died or morph into new ones; New priorities and order replace the old. I crave new things now, and what I treasured lost its lustre. In other words: Confused and lost. I stand, confused and uncertain at this cusp, this startling change in events. I lost my foresight, for I lost my ability to plan. What you do not know, you cannot anticipate. No longer a slave to order and schedule, I embraced randomness and impulse like the caress of a new pet snake... Everyday some form of discovery, every decision a surprise on hindsight. I thought myself a bit too old for such developments, but I guess I kid myself. I was so cocooned in this web of self-comfort a...

It all started as a mild and tame night. Dinner at glass house with the church folks, innocuous and bland. After a satisfying meal of swordfish collars, I felt the crave for alcohol, and talking to Kelv abt clubbing. pubbing and alcohol kinda whetted my appetite for move... Then Dan popped the question : Wanna mambo? And I said "Aye!" And to my surprise, Adel seconded and followed! First time clubbing with church frens! hahaha... but it was fun.. It started out as a boring evening at zouk, cos we reached really early... but we waited at the door for Dan's frens... and the crowd tonight was damn good. Decided to get into the mood with some drinks... and thereafter... party!!! Grooving to the music was pretty cool, until the crowd started to come in... The weirdness of clubbing with church frens wore off, and the inhibitions all evaporated as the alcohol takes effect. For once, I can say I love the music - dancing to it was no chore... Besides, with such a wonderful view, w...

I feel... constipated. Nor physically of course... More like mentally and emotionally. I find myself caught in a enclosure of sorts, mentally ad emotionally deliminated by parameters unknown. There is an underlying feeling of gloom, doom and pent-up-ness. I have much to do, but I chose not to. I have much to ponder, yet I chose to ignore. And it drags on the mind though I have kept it off the slates. The neverending sense that SOMETHING needs to be done plagues me like a sore pus-filled wound whereever I go, whatever I do. It is like a ticking time bomb that threatens to blow at any time, with deadlines and schedules. I guess I make a very poor vacationer. I can never truly abandon my duties at the door and lept into freedom. I always carry the baggage and badge of work with me as I go. If you done see it, it is probably hidden somewhere, but out of sight but never out of mind. sigh... And though my body had been getting the rest, my mind has not, and it is SO SO SO tired. It seeked re...

I realised I am not a very beer person.. Not ale at least. Ther is a certain limit to the flavour and texture-anything beyond that is repulsive to my senses. Today, I downed 1 pint of PLA, 1 pint of Dunbel, and 1/2 pint of Golden... And the result was a bitter after taste that could not be washed away by the lemonade I took later on. And beer makes me sleepy... One good thing was that beer makes me "high" must faster than wine or vodhka. Which is strange... considering beer is so much weaker... Or was it the mixing that got to me? By the time we left Brewerks to walk to Suntec, I was unsure if I could walk in a straight line... I could, of course, but the doubt in itself was amusing. Beer aside, the food was great and the company, sublime. Jess makes a very good drinking buddy, able to mix light and heavy conversation into a comfortable and sustainable weave. She has a habit of focusing too much on the calories tho, which is a taboo subject when one is in deliberate consumpti...

Trudging along Robinson Rd today was painful reminder as it was. The drizzle reminded be of a happier time, when the rush for shelter was merry and romantic. The building respledent in its dark shiny glory, a twin tomb to the dull white of RnT. I walked, as one who walked with an arrow wound. I walked, as one would on knife edge with bleeding soles. And YM had to quiz me along the way for the whole facts, like any good litigator to be. The discovery process was aided by us, stranded in the rain, at some cafe. And why is it that gals ALWAYS assume the guy is the one? And e case of mistaken identities did not help. Consoled myself with what I dug from her tho... Was seriously shocked. Am I in the wrong firm? I had no idea an AD from Drew draws (haha, pun.) so bloody much! And thats only after 6 years! When Ho Ching made her point, I thought she was joking... so she was serious after all. Man, I hope I survive long enuff in FSD... with that kind of remuneration, who needs a life? Plus, li...

There are some days when you wake, and immediately wish you hadn't. Today was such a day for me. The aftermath of Sat hit me like a brick, sore muscles creaked to live, recalling aches and stiffness. The two kind souls in church tried to knead some life into my shoulders, but they both gave up after a while... too stiff, they complained. Oh well... Sermon was thought provoking, though painfully short. Suicide. I have never thought about it... it seemed such a sheer waste to end your own life. Perhaps I have never faced enough desparation; perhaps my logic have always prevailed. So is thought of suicide the same as thought of murder, that mens rea would suffice? Is it along the line of lust, where thoughts entertained is as good as the deed itself, a strict liability sort of sin? I guess we would not know. We can only believe, and stand firm. The lunch was good, ate more than I should... and fellowship that followed was cool... But something is lacking... Perhaps it is age. Perhaps ...

What maketh a man? It is a question that is easy yet difficult to answer. They who give the right answers serves the same master. I have given various answers to that simple question, and had consorted with those who answered the same. To my horror, I realise each answer come with its own chain of bonds, the bonds of the master. My multiple answers gave me multiple bonds. I had become a slave to many masters. Who can set me free? He. I have wasted much of my time on the frivolous. I have wasted much of my time on the wayward. I have wasted much of my time on the transcient. I have wasted much of my time on the prescient. Such waste, such squander of youth. Spending time with reckless abandon, to realise at the end that it could all have gone elsewhere. Wasted chances, unused hopes, unclaimed blessings. To what, do I strive all day? For what, do I toil and slave? Goals upon goals, targets after targets - when would it stop? Why did it even start? Propelled by the unknown, fuelled by...

You know you are not young anymore when you start to pant after 3 games of captain's ball. Granted, thegame took on dimensions akin to rugby and basketball, but still? The running was ok... it was the jumping... being tall and heavy, I was the natural choice as defender... so I had to jump... and jump... and jump. And now my butt hurts. A lot. Feels like cramps. Argh. Aside from the pain in the butt, it was a nice day. Too early for my liking, but the games were cool and it was great mixing with people from other churchs, other walks of life. The vibrancy, the diversity is obvious, and the unity that gels it all up - God, game, sportsmanship - leaves one feeling somewhat refreshed. You sink into the bigger tapestry of things, a part of the whole picture, but each adding an important colour. All 39 teams wore different colours - it was like a carnival, a storm of different colours and shades that formed the CAC youths. My team was togged in pink. Pastel pink. Youth... a label I shal...

Why am I feeling thus? On the eve of the competition, nerves? Or was it the unwelcomed reminder I received? Or the perplexing issue of train moving on/ not moving yet/ not fast enough etc etc Or is the philosopher in my in thirst for my weekly session with the likeminded? Or is it my body's way of telling me to get back to the field, to pick up my bow? Hmmm, deep thoughts swirling just beneathe my consciousness... irritating as an unscratched itch. To sleep with the itch, I guess I would have to... In time, the questions will surface, and the answers given. No longer shall I force out questions or answers. The time for such persistence should cease. It will be hard.

Went for training, and realise I am unfit. Running around the court and jumps used to be easier for me... I blame the flu, but I know I kid myself. Captain's ball is fun... last yr as a player... we are the PINK team! hahahaha All prepped up for a nice time tomorrow... but why am I feeling pensive? A bit unused to being at home before 12 perhaps... the past few days had been great at filling out my time. Perhaps I just need to DO something... and it pains me that my book is finished... Time to buy more... Tough. Would have liked to go velvet tonight, or go wala's... especially with the expanded club. Sigh... but loyalty to team is utmost... the break in the rhythm is perplexing... And perhaps the cause of the distress. Tough choices. I got an errant call from her, probably due to an unlocked phone... u get weird calls if ur name starts with A or Z... :(... Truly worrried for her, as a fren. But I guess at this stage my worries are often uncalled for, since it is not appreciated...

My past week has been so packed.. everyday some form of excitement, everyday a nice experience. Watching movies with pals are a refreshing change. To go to a band concert after so many years, also a refreshing change. Life is moving along a different rail now, and everything is new. Everything is somewhat exciting :) Sigh... then why do I feel so out of sorts? Hmmm... Perhaps new things always have that effect... New strategems, new targets, new pieces, new directions, new experience, new steps and forms. Everything new. Wow. Prayer. This period is crucial... Please Lord, guide me... do not let me fall or trip as before... do not let me be misguided again and waste time and effort doing inconsequential things.... Keep me focused, vigilante and clear of my priorities. Let me grow in You and what you gave me. Let me be as I was, left me be as I will ever be. Amen.

That was the name of the encore piece by the Boston Brass; that was also how I got home... The evening was fantastic! Went down ard 5ish to get the tickets and arrived at 6. After collection and some wandering, settled into V-tea room for a nice cuppa chai latte and a good book. Very nice ambience! Nice waitresses too, except that the hard selling of her scones and sakes were a bit of a turn off. And the show of petulance after the rejection assured be that I am not hungry. All settled in the wait for Yo and Pee... waited and waited... and they were all super late, so we went to the concert missing the first piece. But no loss. First band sucked anyway. The show truly began after the interval.... when the Boston Brass played!! What showmanship! What musical prowess! Worthed every minute of wait, every cent that I paid man! Wunderful experience, seeing them live, hearing them joke and improvise on stage.. The whole concert hall literally lit up with their display of sheer musicianship. ...

I cannot say I am unaffected by the conversation of the previous night. Whilst not exactly stumbled, I am definitely affected. To see who I thought was a bulwark of faith declare her weakness and doubts kinda shaked my whole being. I feel privileged to be in confidence, yet terror, that such problems strikes us all. I had tried to be of help, to give advise as I always do. In the end, I found myself floundering for words. Words that held little meaning when uttered, for they tried to encapsulate feelings and experience that only I felt and remembered. All I can do is offer company and prayers. All I could muster was a show of confidence to bolster any lack in hers. Perhaps we all need a helping hand when we drop low in our walk, and I was glad I had been there to give mine. Yet I fear mine was insufficient, I feared mine was tainted with conflicts. An ailing hand would not offer much lift to the falling would it not? In my dreams, I came upon this thought: As we lead out life, it is as...

I started the day feeling sick and grey, yet what an action packed day!!! and What a day! Haven felt so happy and fulfilled after a nice day out, so MUST blog down! Met Andre at 9 to pass him arrows, met Law4 comm at BK from 11 till 3... then.. TWO MOVIES!!!! Batman Begins... Simply fabulous... watched it with Zi and Muns... wacky good time! Love their corniness and tongue in cheek puns. Short break at PCC@ 1 Raffles Link with a nice book and coffee, whilst waiting for dinner cum movie bud Jess to SLOWLY come. 30 mins late... tsk tsk... But the wait was worthed it. Had a wunderful time of sharing and catching up during dinner at Olios. Sigh, it is amazing what a few weeks of work/ internship can do to a person... Is working life really such a strain? I am filled with apprehension. Hearing her woes, I decided to go for drinks with her instead of joining Cara & co. War of the World was .... neutral... It was like a narrative of the book! Just made me wanna read the full book, and for...

Yay, have not felt so good for so long! After days of being cooped at home cos of that accursed flu, I am well again!!! Cant imagine I wasted so much time the past week in sickness and sleep. Sigh... time is too precious to be wasted thus! Shall takes steps towards recovering of my health and fitness!!! Gym and range here I come! Am finally going to my first band concert in years... Boston Brass with yo and pee. Reliving the good old times... sigh... I guess I had so much to look back at... 6 yrs playing music... dunno how I could just wave it away like that. Oh well. Archery came along and filled my life for 3 years... how can I leave my bow behind? My penchant for bright shiny instruments got carried over - I got a bright shiny bow too! hahaha.. Finally made the link now... Guess brass never really left me... I just changed its form. I wonder what it will be like when I change to oars... What it will be like when I change from concert hall to dance hall... Sigh... guess the wanderlus...

It feels good to be slacking at home, resting not cos I am sick. Albeit, I have not fully recovered, but I am well enough not to be in bed all day. Yay! Bid for my modules yesterday... a bit apprehensive... dunno if I would be able to score well for the semester with my combination... 4 modules, 3 exams, 4 school days... bleah. Recurring thought of her brushed away; God give me strength to be an agent of change and recovery, to move forth. To find faith renewed via personal revival, and the correct priorities in life.

I realised that I had forgotten how it was I engage in thological debates and reasoning... when I get so absorbed in Him... it feels... good! Refreshed, relieved, rejuvenated. I guess I had gone without for so long, to be with Him again is like fish back to water.... A relationship... one that is loving, harmonious and sustaining, requires constant care and effort in maintenance. I had been neglectful...and it became a one sided request list. For so long, I could not hear Him, for almost as long, I could not careless. He still blesses me - thats all I cared. How self centred. How ashamed I am. I had raved about not enough feeding, yet today's was SO good... perhaps it was my mindset - if I had wanted to be fed, I would be even if the speaker is a mute. You ujst cannot teach a stubborn heart. Sigh..... I guess silently blessing is the toughest... being always taken for granted, always being asked and never given... Forgive me Father.

I have been rebuked, and I repent. I am indeed guilty as charged, and ashamed. I had been the antithesis of what I had fought for, against, and had been the epitomoe of what I had despised. In my wilful pursuit, I had forgotten all that I had held dear. I forgot what is love. I forgot what it is like to serve. I forgot what it is like not to just think of self. Looking back, I feel disgust. What a selfish monster I had been! Reading back, what a pile of rubbish I had wrote! So many self-satisfying entries, dripping with venom, strife or sheer self centredness. I had ceased to think from His perspective, but used my own perspective, and asked Him for second opinion. Since when is a Judge's opinion a second opinion? Since when does the accused put his statement before his Counsel's? I stand, guilty as charged. Convicted, of shortfalls and of willingness to change. I had become what I was not, caked as I was in dirt and mud, that I could not recognise myself as a third person. I r...

I have aged. Or grown. Whichever way you look at it, it just means my years on earth has increased. It came as a shock, or even mild horror, the aftermath of youth sunday. I realise, to use the word "youth" on me would be putting a strain on it. And it is showing. on being not so young. You know you r not so young anymore when ur sunday school classmate has gotten married. You know you are not so young anymore when words that spout from your mouth revolves around your career, your worldly cares and yuppy wanna-haves. It is sad, that whilst we can still catch up with the kids in captainball, and even trash them, it is not the same as being "one of them". We have moved beyond the acceptable age. Young people start getting awkward trying to figure out what to call us - mr, bro, or uncle? Granted, we do not look as old, and calling of uncles and aunties were made in jest. Yet, I feel a sense of loss, that I no longer belong to the group labelled "youths". It ...

I believe I see my false hopes. I believe they were grounded on forgotten promises, shattered visions. Fool that I was, I held onto the words of an aye-sayer... not expecting that the words uttered would change with differing company. Misjudged, misguided, misinterpreted, mistrusted. Suppressed betrayal compressed into anger. Yet how can I be angry at a child who does not noe? A child who claimed wisdom and adulthood, who wish to "settle things as adults"... yet without a firm mind of what is wanted? True, plans will change, loyalties may waver, but never is it so dramatically twisted! How can white be called black? How can the loud ever be called quiet? To say one and mean the other is caprice - to be convicted you are one and yet be another is foolishness! Sadly I realise underneath the anger, is pity. Pity for the blind, misguided. Pity for the lost, for the confused. Pity for the wantonness that result from these. Pity for the self-inflicted deadends and imaginary trials....

Realise this blog has been my outpour, a neutral ground where I may rant all I wish. An outpost on cyberia for me to vent my frustration. I wunder if technology is a boon or bane - it all started with a blog, then more blogs. I hate it, yet I noe its uses. Bah. Think my virus has mutated. I took my final doze of anti biotics, and there seem to be no sign of the flu leaving. It is strange, considering how I have been taking great care these days to ensure recovery. All laid to waste now I fear. Bah. I realise my life can be seen from two angles. I had seen it as a waste for the past few days, but looking back, it is a pretty good nice idlyllic one filled with rest, food and play. If life throws you a lemon, make lemonade. And patent it. Post resolution, life's gristles shall cease to haunt - it will be but another detail to form the bigger tapestry He printed. It is a choice, I realise, to see good or bad all the time. I chose to see bad, and confined myself to the bad. I shall now ...

I resolve to get well, get a kick start in my life and career, and rise like a phoenix from the ashes! Wallow no more in the shadows of the past, clamour no more in self contained darkness. Let Him in to my inner most sanctum, to shed light and joy and exuberance once more. Once more shall I squeeze every second and minute for use and enjoyment, once more shall I live life to the utmost. I ride the winds of hope, the cloud of grace, the tide of blessings that only He can bring!

I woke late again, and missed the conference once more. It seemed like something is preventing me from going... Oh well, since I am without an agenda this yr, my attendence is somwhat superflous anyway. I feel my body wasting away... After the adrenaline of pupillage application, the sickness really took away all my steam. I feel like a wasted log, coughing and sneezing away every day. It is day 4 now, and though there seem to be improvement, I am far from total recovery. Every few minutes, I would rush to the loo to expell greenish blobs, every few minutes I would feel my nose leaking again. Only solace is sleep - the medicine made me so weak I can hardly do anything else. I feel like an invalid! During my musings I have reached a conclusion, that I cvan only let go if I know what is wrong. All that she told me, a new story every week... pls... I dun buy that. Either she is very very confused, and kid herself with new excuses every week, or it is some intricate ploy to cushion my fee...

Stuck at home with tissue and remote control. So not the right time and place. Sigh.... Misery, misery thy name is z. Arghs..... Shall try to whine less, shave my beard, and step out in the sun!

Why does my mind replay her everything I drift off to sleep? I had to jolt myself away to stop. So many times... Good dreams, bad dreams, all sorts. Irritated. Why cant I let go? Bleah.

Bleah, I need to get out more. I think beiong cooped at home all day is making me worse than being sick! I have to get out of the house tomorrow... Having naught to do is driving me nuts! Fren said that how I feel would affect how I heal. Perhaps thats why I have been healing SO bloddy slowly. Arghs. I need to get well, FAST. Wanna hit the gym again, wanna feel my bow again. Wanna salsa again. Wanna try rowing. Argh... so many thing to do, so little time left!!!

I wake with the daily ritual of throat and nose clearing. It is a gruelsome task, involving me forcing out blobs of greenish goo from said orifices. I lead a sad existence now, drifting from awakeness to sleep and back, hardly able to do more than eat and type. My health seems to be improving, but I am still far from total recovery. Was chatting with a fren online, and we commiserated with affairs of the heart. It seemed that we were both suffering from retribution. What we denied to our previous ones we gave whole heartedly to this, and in return, we were left out in the cold. Made us thing this must have been what it felt like for the other half last time. Retribution. A vicious cycle. What we denied last time, we think it is precious, so when we find one we truly loved, we gave that thing to the max. With no care that he/she might not want such; with no care that he/she might not need such. In love we became what we abhor; in love we became the object of our own despise. How to brea...

Asking the unasked, the unaskable is painful beyond measure. The whole conversation filled me up with so much sadness. It reminded me of happier times, of days gone by when it was not hopeless. It is the falseness that gets at me. I am saddened beyond measure. Many a times, I tried to flee, to go off and do something else. Yet, I am always drawn. Drawn back to see what was typed. Often disappointed to see a blank screen. Weak. It is so frustrating.... arghs.

What is ambition, but the driving for towards a set of goals. What is ambition, but the fuel of our own dreams? Is ambition bad? Is ambition good? I think it is neutral, a fact of life that is as bland as plain rice. But neutrality is lost when we taint it with other things. Morals and scruples. Ties and bonds. Is there a price for ambition? What is it? I would never know. Still sick, coughing like mad. Bleah. Heartache.

There is just so so so much of them green gooey stuff in me, I HATE it! I woke, feeling like crap, awakened by an errant msg from her. The choked throat and stuffed hose made me wish I had not awakened. Calling LW to back out of the conference, I tried to get more sleep. Yet, rest once interrupted, will not be resumed as easily. A fitful rest I had, waking at 10ish. After downing breakfast and a morning dose, I sat around to laze..... .... and lo! great green globs of goo start emerging from within! Choking me, causing coughs, and finally retched out like some green mouldy brain. Such thickness, such viscousity... horrible. I shall recline once more, to rest for the day. Perhaps I may recover in time, to rejoin the conference tomorrow. Called A&G, and postponed the signing till monday... bleah... sickness is SO disrupting life. Recover I must! Help me Lord!

I was so sick, am so sick, I wanna just curl up and not breathe. Every breath brings forth a rasping cough, every cough a tug at the lungs, every tug a burning pain. It hit me like a bullet, so sudden and fast. Bleah. Pray for me pple! I need to recover to do work!!! Angels I found, in abundance around me. God is faithful. I will be around frens for now and the morrow. I realise, that no matter what kindaof shit you r in, everything is alright if u have Him in perspective, and u recognise His angels. Amen!

Had a long talk with mumsie... And thru her, He spoke. It was a gentle reminder that when I serve, I rise, when I dun, I fall. Proved by history, proved by facts. I am someone who knows he is in His hands, and at times. I take it for granted. Dun we all? But He went the extra step, to always put me down, destroy my lofty aspirations and keep me grounded. On retrospect, I thank His wisdom. Had I not remained grounded, I wouldbe more of a jerk that I am. I would have become a full fledged heartless manipulator with arrogance and cruelty. It is in my blood, I can feel it. The many time I had to remind myself to show mercy and grace, testament to it. had I not been schooled thus, i woul dhave failed a long way off. No one likes a mean person. I had been blessed, and the blessings come in conjection with my service. I was never the brightest pupil, the worst for a period of time too. Yet, I was always the one with most options. In primary school, choice to go anywhere I wanted. At O's,...

Feeling morose and melancholic after a day out... Sickness is this insidious thing that turns all goods into bads... and colours all things bright and cheery with broad dark strokes of black. I woke today, with barely a voice. I panicked: How to call them firms to reject/ accept? I downed some juice, and forced out a few words. even then, the day proceeded and saw the decline of my throat. The nose succumbed too, and it is now a sad sloppy mess. The cough came as no surprise, and the hacking jerks and jolts me around way too much. I should feel relieved, should feel happy. I have solved the issue with the job. I have solved the issue with the doc. I have also resolved the issue with the gal. Why am i still not happy? The maddening flu, ejecting dark and cold thoughts on a bright sunny day. It sapped away my joy, replaced it with a recycled feeling. I feel like reused refuse. Bleah.... Horribly horrible day... Should I still go Happy? Should I still go gym? Should I still replay her in ...

Acceptance came and went, and a feeling of sorrow-filled relief remains. I have rejected RnT... the fact that it was so easy kinda showned how I dun really want it. Acceptance of FSD was cool... TG was SO frenly, it is quite impossible to imagine how someone as sweet can work pple till they need psych help. Looks and demeanor can be deceiving I guess? But I take a willing risk. Reject of Shook was painful. For mths I thought that was where i was going to be. I had used "we", when I had meant Shook.. Perhaps it is the realisation that I want AO, and not AOSLB... I can only go to AO via FSD... so it shall be. Sorry F and Huei.... With the conclusion of my job search, also ends the question of my heart search. In FSD, I can no longer promise time, effort and consideration. All that I can offer is money, prestige, and absence. Even that is promissory, for lawyers bump to a slow start. By what coin do I wait? By what coin do I trade? None. So I rest my case. Acceptance is bittersw...

I noe not the depths of His love, His grace, His mercy and blessings!!! I am SO SO SO SO immensely blessed!!!! THREE offers in the day, 5/6 firms called for interview within a day.... Feeling so grateful, so blessed. Indeed, He blesses where He places. I am so amazed. I am phased with 3 difficult choices though... - BFI in RnT, where only 2 were taken a year...but it has liti elements! Good for the all rounded banking lawyer, but do I really wanna go to court and entertain clients my whole life? - FSD in A&G... slavedriving, nitpicking meano with international rep and offshore possibilities...Can I take the shit and rise above the rest? - Corp Banking in SLB... nice family firm, with great colleagues... but very local and anal... Sigh......

I just realised that blogs r quite addictive... Now I know why she could spend hours just reading blogs... It is amazing, what people say online... deep thoughts, frivolous musings, dark secrets masked in light words... the interplay and exchange is just amazing... I have spent an hr on one, and it seemed like I barely started....

I was reading through the bulletin attachent during service... one article caught my eye: addiction. The writer was talking about how addiction is not just reserved for drugs, cigs etc... external substances that may be abused. The writer maintains that, addiction can be formed over something that causes u to be emotionally reliant on. Example was made about those who eat to live, gamble to live - to them, eating and gambling IS life. That is addiction, when the craving for that object supercedes the desire for life without it, that life without that object seems a life less worthed living... I think I was addicted. I think the addiction ran really deep, and might still active even now. Somehow, life without her never seemed the same... Addiction... unhealthy... I dunno if u can be addicted to love. With addiction, it become more of an obsession, a preoccupation, rather than true loving. If u love, u will not stifle or grab. If u love, you will nurture, not contain. I own that I tried ...

The night out was fun and funky. Chilling out to music, drinking beer, fagging... it all went pretty smooth. Even the little fracas with the car was not much of a problem... Suffice to say, all was well for the night. We formed the Beery Good Time Association.... To meet, convene and congregate for a good time at any pub/ club of choice over the weekends. A good beginning I foresee for the Association, and fun we will have. Old frens who gathered after the years of separation - joyous, poignant, and surreal. Brings back all fond memories.. herald of more to come. Club of the lonely hearted has swung into town! Serenaded by the wonderful songstress of Wala's, we were each led into our own world of silent pain, to seek relieve from company and drinks... "I will survive" by Gloria struck a common chord, and drew looks of commiseration when we exchanged glances. "This love" by Maroon 5 echoed common sentiments... and was enjoyed with cheers and fermented drinks.... ...

I shall rely upon His grace alone to see me through. There is naught that I do, naught that I can try that would make a difference. Let it be, that whatever outcome be ascribed to Him. That His glory be made known. All that happens shall be by no merit of my own, but strictly His blessings. He is good. Amen.

Strange feeling that I went down this path before... it is as if I am doing everything over again and again. The anguish renewed, the pain resurrected. The aimlessness returned, the sleeplessness falling again. Breatheless, from all these shit. Tiresome, bothersome, burdening me like lead. God, help take it all away!!! Lift me from this cesspool, leave me clean and unweighted down. Help!!!

I finally got about doing my product sponsorship matters. Pretty hopeful cos the guys at fareast just went "send'em over!" Keeping my fingers crossed. Was looking through all the florist webbies... had to keep suppressing the need to send flowers again. I know she hates it, but i dunno why I still wanna send. Those orchid bouquest with chocs look really good. Or that blue rose and chocolate concoction... Was flipping through my old stuff and found my "promissory note" to her... Seemed so long ago. when I made the note to agree to treat her well... I have almost fulfilled all terms... except take her for coffee... Bah. Shall not thing along that avenue anymore. To do it, or not to do it? Doing it will mean no more worries, at least you have tried... To not do it means save 5k, and pain/ trauma of recovery... bleah....

I suddenly feel very victimised. If she analogised herself as being hurt for being in the wrong place at the wrong time, then what about me? I am being criminalised for someone else's crimes! What did I do that I so convicting to deserve severance? I feel horrid for entertaining such thots, but thats cos I feel horrible. I miss her like crazy.. no longer the spastic, emotional post break type, but more of a sombre, background kinda thing. All the more insidious I feel, cos it pops uo everywhere, anyhow, anytime. LIke how I was shopping at lucky plaza... it just flashed back. I had to flee the place. Pathetic

I yearn to share, yet I loathe to trouble. I wish to hide, yet I am drawn inexorable. I feel terrible. I feel torn from within and also without. That being without, made me torn again from within. This is friday night... yet I cannot really claim I am happy its the end of the work week. Melancholia, dark and deep, creeping like killer vines, suffocating me.

Should I go ahead with it? Or should I just not? I would save 5k... but it is worthed it? The pain, the hassle... bleah... PRAY. And weigh, objectively.... So much to consider... so little time... she plays again and again in my mind... over and over again.... neverending, looping infinitus

So much to do, so little time. Somehow having a whole day free gives me a lot of assurance - too much in fact so I really took my time. 2 down, 6 more to go. I HATE applications. Will need to get photos and finish the cover letters. Life is such a drag at this point. The recent communique has torn apart whatever scabs over the wound/ defensive walls erected for the past weeks. I feel naked and exposed once again, the rawness of the absent stinging my sides, almost tear inducing. Not a good time, considering the amount of work I need to do. Not a good time, considering the stress, fears and pressures are reaching its peak. Somehow, the slackness of internship and the hectic pace of everything else has torn me apart internally... Unused to either, I interned expecting a lot, and I slack for the others. Ludicrous and tragic at the same time. Ironic. Life is full of ironies, and woe to he who cannot look back and laugh at it.