comrades.

I wake with the daily ritual of throat and nose clearing. It is a gruelsome task, involving me forcing out blobs of greenish goo from said orifices. I lead a sad existence now, drifting from awakeness to sleep and back, hardly able to do more than eat and type. My health seems to be improving, but I am still far from total recovery.

Was chatting with a fren online, and we commiserated with affairs of the heart. It seemed that we were both suffering from retribution. What we denied to our previous ones we gave whole heartedly to this, and in return, we were left out in the cold. Made us thing this must have been what it felt like for the other half last time. Retribution. A vicious cycle.
What we denied last time, we think it is precious, so when we find one we truly loved, we gave that thing to the max. With no care that he/she might not want such; with no care that he/she might not need such. In love we became what we abhor; in love we became the object of our own despise. How to break out of this cycle? How do we learn and move on?
It is hard. I pray, but God is silent. Makes me wonder if I am praying for the right things. Bleah.

Stubborn mind, stubborn heart.
Why do I persist after knowing so much grit? Why do I persist when it seems so futile? It is not my way - I never pursue a dying cause. Why do I do so now? Not willing to let go, or cos there is too much to lose? Why am I hanging on? I dunno! Stupidity I am.