lapse in time.

This post is a regurgitation of remembered thoughts:

This notes the feelings of gladness, joy and congratulations I felt went I heard she got what she wanted. It is like a burden lifted, a soothing sigh. As a fren, I congratulate her, and yet I am of mind to keep my distance, for I know my presence will bring back memories. I toyed with ideas on how to gently congratulate her, but I realise anythingi do would be tainted.

I have lost my objectivity, yet I do not blame myself; true objecttivity is seldom achieved, and is often mere tortured subjectivity at work. I do blame myself in trying to be too objective in the past - to be so would be to ignore and stifle emotions. I fear emotions remember? It is just therefore, that it be my bane.

En route to wala's by train last night, I chanced upon an insight. Somehow, my mind becomes more philosophical when my peripheral vision is at full blast... perhaps that why people need muses... I digress...
I realise that the emotion called love is a contradiction:
- Loving "because of", is a farce, for you are using objectivity here. This form fails the moment the key characteristic fails.
This form is love at its weakest. How often do we prefoess to love, because of wealth, status, looks etc? And when they fail? Goodbye.

- Loving "despite of" is mere pity, for you are overruling your objectivity with subjective elements alone. Flaws are discounted, not accepted. But like energy, the discounted emotions goes somewhere... usually in the form of grudges or emotional debt.
The reason for long drawn arguments that never seem to end... for remembered wrongs and long ago charities would always weigh mutually unless resolved. Chances are, parties will try to waive resolution as a pledge of love itself... and perpetuate the quarrels. Vicious cycles, spiralling to an unhappy end.

- Loving "inspite of", is subjective love. Loving beyond judgment, beyond hopes of equal treatment, for there is no equality where there is no objective comparison. This form is where flaws are viewed, acknowledged, and fully accepted by the other. The covered over flaw ceases to be a foothold or a flaw in itself, but merely becomes the characteristic of the person, a part of the genetic code that identifies, and brings a smile to the other. In its purest form, it is called true love. In its worse form, blind love.
How many times have people plunged in, accepting stupid excuses as truth and ignoring negative words of advise as dross? In pure subjective love, people lose their defenses, strip bare of reason and the will to depart. Since everyone is different with no common standards, no one is ever wrong...

In the mixture of objectivity, subjectivity, objective-subjectivity and subjective-objectivity, men get drawn into this fix that amalgates to love. Seemingly haphazard, but that life is it not?
My fault lies in having a partiated mind... to have the objective and the subjective concurrantly... yet never middle ground... Harsh judgment mete out, balmed by blanket forgiveness... how... unwise.
Yet, I would persist in this mode of thinking... because this is what makes it me... and it would take another to appreciate it as such. Why change?

Yo & Co says I am the dangerously weird fella they have all gotten used to and accepted, but that I scare the uninitiated... I was a bit put off by that statement during supper, and I thought it was rather insulting. But thinking through it, I realise and appreciate my frens who weighed me with the objective, and accepted me in their subjective sense.

Not many can stand my stand my mood swings, my melancholic sides and wild mischievious side. My patient side is often hidden by my violent side; my thoughtful side is often concealed by my penchant for futile arguments.....

My peripheral vision needs to be tweaked... it seems... uncalibrated lately... either picking out the illegally young, or the well preserved old... where lies middle ground?