irritated,

There are some days when you wake, and immediately wish you hadn't. Today was such a day for me. The aftermath of Sat hit me like a brick, sore muscles creaked to live, recalling aches and stiffness. The two kind souls in church tried to knead some life into my shoulders, but they both gave up after a while... too stiff, they complained. Oh well...

Sermon was thought provoking, though painfully short. Suicide. I have never thought about it... it seemed such a sheer waste to end your own life. Perhaps I have never faced enough desparation; perhaps my logic have always prevailed. So is thought of suicide the same as thought of murder, that mens rea would suffice? Is it along the line of lust, where thoughts entertained is as good as the deed itself, a strict liability sort of sin? I guess we would not know. We can only believe, and stand firm.

The lunch was good, ate more than I should... and fellowship that followed was cool... But something is lacking... Perhaps it is age. Perhaps the fact that faces I am familiar with have gone on... and I am a remnant of a remnant that is left. Perhaps I would leave one day too.

It is cool to discover someone who shares my melancholic streak. No wonder we clicked.
I feel somewhat hapless though, that I feel as I did not entirely of my own accord... on some emotional poker game... u never knwo what you draw, until all the cards are revealed. Bah.

Thoughts keep flickering back and forth, like the fly that was trapped in my room and kept me awake last night. Sometimes I wonder if I was missing something, or was I missing the feeling of completeness that eluded. Bleahhh