reflection: vindication of the vindictive.
I have been rebuked, and I repent. I am indeed guilty as charged, and ashamed. I had been the antithesis of what I had fought for, against, and had been the epitomoe of what I had despised.
In my wilful pursuit, I had forgotten all that I had held dear. I forgot what is love. I forgot what it is like to serve. I forgot what it is like not to just think of self.
Looking back, I feel disgust. What a selfish monster I had been! Reading back, what a pile of rubbish I had wrote! So many self-satisfying entries, dripping with venom, strife or sheer self centredness.
I had ceased to think from His perspective, but used my own perspective, and asked Him for second opinion. Since when is a Judge's opinion a second opinion? Since when does the accused put his statement before his Counsel's? I stand, guilty as charged. Convicted, of shortfalls and of willingness to change. I had become what I was not, caked as I was in dirt and mud, that I could not recognise myself as a third person.
I realise that my "out of sort"ness was my self trying to scream at me to attention. Zach zach, what happened to you? Have u lost ur rudder in life? Have u lost ur focus? Where had all the zeal and drive gone to? Converted all to self serving energies? I lost my eternal perspective, focused on the here and now... at the cost of my own integrity.
Lost innocence, wherefore art thou?
I am confused. I still am. I had tried to be wiser than I think I am. The lamb who played lion. So wretched do I feel, so phoney and frivolous. Had all those years been a hollowed shell? Had I lived a conjured life? God's blessings are so real in my life, literally gave me life again when I should have died. Yet, why had I not awaked sooner? Why had I lost focus?
When I stumbled, why had I not repented? When I realise my faults, why had I not acted on it? When I was hurt, why did I not go to Him, but to Man? When I was down, why did I persist in gloom when joy of His yet abound? She was right, I chose to victimise myself. If I had been faithful in my daily journals I would have read about it the day after and concurred.
But I, in my hurt and bitterness chose to nurse it with drinks, and awoke with a bleary mind brimming with anger. So foolish. A fool I am.
What can I do now, except reflect and repent? What can I do, except repent and really look to Him for guidance:
Abandon my worries for my living, He has blessed me in that already.
Forget past hurts and move on, He will heal and set things straight.
Focus on Him and reprioritise my life, He has set my path since my moment of birth.
All is meaningless, without cause or reason, if it is a life lived with Him.
What is wealth? What is status? What is ambition? What is power?
All these I asked, because I sensed the futility.
Today, I got the answer.
The icing on the cake will be meaningless if the cake is forgotten; the gifts from God become meaningless if God himself is forgotten.
In my wilful pursuit, I had forgotten all that I had held dear. I forgot what is love. I forgot what it is like to serve. I forgot what it is like not to just think of self.
Looking back, I feel disgust. What a selfish monster I had been! Reading back, what a pile of rubbish I had wrote! So many self-satisfying entries, dripping with venom, strife or sheer self centredness.
I had ceased to think from His perspective, but used my own perspective, and asked Him for second opinion. Since when is a Judge's opinion a second opinion? Since when does the accused put his statement before his Counsel's? I stand, guilty as charged. Convicted, of shortfalls and of willingness to change. I had become what I was not, caked as I was in dirt and mud, that I could not recognise myself as a third person.
I realise that my "out of sort"ness was my self trying to scream at me to attention. Zach zach, what happened to you? Have u lost ur rudder in life? Have u lost ur focus? Where had all the zeal and drive gone to? Converted all to self serving energies? I lost my eternal perspective, focused on the here and now... at the cost of my own integrity.
Lost innocence, wherefore art thou?
I am confused. I still am. I had tried to be wiser than I think I am. The lamb who played lion. So wretched do I feel, so phoney and frivolous. Had all those years been a hollowed shell? Had I lived a conjured life? God's blessings are so real in my life, literally gave me life again when I should have died. Yet, why had I not awaked sooner? Why had I lost focus?
When I stumbled, why had I not repented? When I realise my faults, why had I not acted on it? When I was hurt, why did I not go to Him, but to Man? When I was down, why did I persist in gloom when joy of His yet abound? She was right, I chose to victimise myself. If I had been faithful in my daily journals I would have read about it the day after and concurred.
But I, in my hurt and bitterness chose to nurse it with drinks, and awoke with a bleary mind brimming with anger. So foolish. A fool I am.
What can I do now, except reflect and repent? What can I do, except repent and really look to Him for guidance:
Abandon my worries for my living, He has blessed me in that already.
Forget past hurts and move on, He will heal and set things straight.
Focus on Him and reprioritise my life, He has set my path since my moment of birth.
All is meaningless, without cause or reason, if it is a life lived with Him.
What is wealth? What is status? What is ambition? What is power?
All these I asked, because I sensed the futility.
Today, I got the answer.
The icing on the cake will be meaningless if the cake is forgotten; the gifts from God become meaningless if God himself is forgotten.
posted by Zachary Shim | 7:19 pm
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