the greatest whinery this side of cyberia

I reread my previous post, and realised 2 things: It has been long since I last posted. Much has also happened since, that changed much that has not been posted. It seems, I have moved on. The desert has chanced upon rain. Where once I had looked to the earth and dust, I now gaze upon the celestial bodies. Where once I had danced upon the tides of change, I now stand firmly on the rocks of time. I have grown, in matters of perspective. I will grow, in matters of faith. Where much was taken away, much will now be given. What was lost is of no matter, so long as you still have the means to create new ones. The discovery has begun and the due diligence done; The filings has been made and the searches paid. All that is left to do is wait.

Never thought I will be so hooked, but here I am waxing lyrical to any who will listen, to the wonders of K drama. Princess Hours, that which got me up till 8 am of non-stop marathon watching, straining eyes to read tiny chinese subs. The plot aint THAT great, and the cast is gorgeous but not THAT gorgoeus. But somehow, I was hooked. And the Scottish soundtrack keep playing and playing in my mind... even now, as I type, a full week after I first got hold of the series... 1 week and 3 repeats of it, I still rant about it. Something is wrong. Something NEEDS to be done. Perplexed. Adel told me that Goong was what made her feel like getting hitched. I had to agree - the show ooze romance. I do not claim to be a romantic, nor do I ever aspire to be one, but I must admit the show leaves such an after effect even on my person. Perhaps it is the stark contrast to the dryness at the moment. Or perhaps not. Confused. I hate confusion. ABHOR. But I cant help it. Confused AND perplexed. HELP. I ...

Dreams. Never would I imagine that I would be plagued by dreams. Unable to get good rest, aching from bad sleep. But given how interesting my dreams are, it is no wonder that sleep comes second. Every dream is so mama drama, so full of theaterics, I should perhaps pen them down.... And I realise I am semi-conscious when I dream... I remember my wry comments, my amusement at my funny dreams, and my schizoprenic personas which somehow co-existed in some happy bipartite entity in dreamland. And I can tweak what I do in the dreams, much like some interactive gameplay. Facinating... to relive, replay the dream at will, to permutate and experiment.... or to just lie at the back of my subconsiousness and enjoy the show. I crave good sleep. But do I really wanna give up the fun? Dreams. It has become so uncertain now, what my true dreams are. Remunerations or aspirations? Passion or prospects? Investments or enjoyments? And the stock mart has been oh-so-quiet I think I might as well quit. Drea...

As I type, I see raindrops forming on my window pane... Rain.... irony in itself. Part of the system that brings forth life, yet fearsome monster of nature if left unchecked... I read the latest Pratchett, a satirical spoof on the DV Code. I'm sure he doesnt mean to evoke such sentiments and and feelings as he wrote that comic nonsense, but as I read my last sentence of it, I cannot help but feel this overwheliming sense of IRONY. A spoof on a spoof of a spoof. A satire on a cynic's view of truth... how... apt. The darkness within, resonanting with the darkness without. The flicker of the inner light, reflecting the shadows that clouds the eyes. In the shadows do we hide from the harsh, uncompromising sun. In the shadows do we rot, as mould and mildew claim our substance. In the darkness do we transact in the deals unseen, profits unclean. In the darkness do we die, as greed and wrath claims our sanity. What are shadows but that which light does not shine on? What is darkness b...

Mind and the body, mind over body? Or is it body over the mind? Which controls which? Is the mind but a voice of the body? Or is the body a mere vessel for the mind? When it comes to the crunch, which one should prevail? Are we still human, without a mind? Are we still man, without a body? The unlikes fused together in a single entity. The dipolar melded into a riddle of contradictions and uncertainty. Heaven and earth combined in a nutshell? Will the lofty breeze of the heavens stirs the loamy earth? Will the sands and stones of the earth withstand the heaven's winds? touche.

The joy of a good deal, of spotting good value, and paying a pittance for that value. The joy of freedom, of having a good run on in the day, unfettered by a work schedule. The joy of accomplishment, of having finished all you set out to do, with the aid of frens. The joy of friendship, to know whom you may count on, in times of distress. Sadness, to know you no longer know what you knew. Sadness, to freeze on the floor, forgeting all steps that you learnt. Sadness, to no longer know those you knew. More joys than sadness. A happy day.

True happiness is in finding back what you thought was gone. True happiness is to know that all is not lost. True happiness is to know He has provided. True happiness is to know all is in control. True happiness is like fresh air after being imprisoned for days. True happiness is in being unshackled from the heavy chains. True happiness is like a good sleep after a sleepless week. True happiness is to see the smile on the face in the mirror. True happiness.

A rollercoaster week just went by. GOSH, SO TIRING. Not only had I been under constant stress (yes, that eye twitch is back), I am plagued by fatigue, sleeplessness and more stress. Health failing, regime dying, aging.Bah. Truly, life at its bottoms! Yet, I have learnt to let go. I have learnt to waive myself of certain self set standards. To laugh at oneself. I see the frens around me, who tries to hear me out, to advise, to counsel. Frens are precious! Realise as one gets older, frens get lesser. More mistrust, conflict in interest, or just more things on everyone's plate such that frenship has just been left at the edge of that overwhelimg plate. This little exercise in humility taught me what I missed. Truly, the upside. Now, I blog cos I feel so lost. The confusion after the storm or the disconcerting silence in the eye of the storm - I dunno yet. Let tomorrow decide for tomorrow. Surrender.

Armed with the teeth. This quote got me pretty tickled during the lecture: "the advocate is to be armed like a warrior, not an assassin..." How, erm, quaint an analogy! To slash and thrust with reason, not to make stabs in the dark with guile; To shoot volleys of well aimed retorts, not to poison the minds of the foe. To deflect verbal ripostes with procedural repose, not to spring unannounced in secret; To wage legal war with horns and clarion calls, not to silently stalk the time bar. Thus are we responsible for our profession - to be a legal warrior? I sense not, the link. So I am a black horse. The quizz caught me unaware, and the answer totally confounded me. Yet even more baffling is the motive of the quizzer, and the reaction to the answer. I sense a cause was made and lost. I sensed a disturbance in the force. So I remain, a dark, dark horse. Finally discharged my debt today. A promised given, and fully repaid. The repayment was entertaining whilst it lasted. The best...

What is charity but that which man use to salve his guilt? What is passion but pursuits by which man cannot find substitutes? What is friendship but social evidence that man cannot be islands? What is life but that which man use to collect memories? We spice up our own lives. We add what is salty, fiery, sour or sweet. We be spiceless is to be bland and tasteless. Yet. Is a spiced up life all the more worth living? Is spice the essence of life? Or does it just shadow it like a cloud over the sun? How often have we seared our tougue on some fiery brew? How many must fall as diabetic before we stop popping sweets? I have a sharp palate. But I value my life. Leave me my life bland, that I may have life eternal.

Lest I be mistaken for a sop who rant about love, I should first set the context of this entry: is was in response to 2 frens of mine who asked me such questions in the same day, and I am somewhat happy about my reply, so I shall blog it. In case I need it later. Hah. Nothing beats reading ur own advise, when you are an egolomaniac. "Love is but sadness gone right. To love is to willingly embrace the sorrow that comes, hoping that it will be alright in the end." In love, there are 99 things that can go wrong for that single thing that can go right. In love, there are all those bitter and sour moments that make the sweet ones seem so much more than they were. In love, you willingly stomach atrocities in the hope that the reward will balance it all. To be in love, is to go against the odds of failure, to go against the natural confluence of the four second rule. To be in love, is to abandon thought, to place logic, reason, self and future on the wagering table. To be in love, i...

I feel estranged from the world, stranded on this island in the middle of nowhere. Things passing through, that are none of my business that piqued by interest none the less. Very disturbing. I have lost my focus somewhere, somehow, and I go adrift like some rudderless ship. A floating island. Where did all my passion go to? The drive seemed to have gone south, and the vereve all but gone. Lacklustre living. It is the predicament you get into when u wish SO MUCH for silence, but you get creeped out when you FINALLY get it. Its so silent now I cannot even hear the crickets. SIGH. Half the time we rant about what we do not really care about, crave for that which harms us, and wish for what we abhor. Ironic. A living, floating island in a sea of people. Untouched by surrounding, unaffected by contact. An island ever adrift, finding no port, stopping for none. SIGH.

Dad never got picked up. My sis made a silly mistake of recording a morning arrival as an evening one. He took a cab back in the end. Heh, silly mistake indeed! Sigh, locked in over the weekend for nothing. Mistake. I got restarted with MoM MMPORG. As I played I wondered how my lifer would have been drastically diffferent if I had taken to gaming at a more tender age. Or if I bought a PSP or 2. I think I got catapualted into the realities of life pretty early, so perhaps I yearn a release via gaming means. Perhaps. Mistake? Watched "Breaking up". Jennif Aniston was great, and the movie was so real, it was like watchinbg 2 persons breaking up before ur eyes. You see the conflict, the interplay of emotions, and the stereotypical reaction and roles. You empathise, identify and feel this faint esonance that somewhere at some point in ur life this happened to you too. Harrowing. Mistakes!

At home on a friday night, stood up by my dad. Sigh. Feeling all tired from a full day of walking about town, yet still begrudging the locked-in time. Feeling lousy, feeling blue. Times like this when you need a nice chilled class of white and some autumn breeze... Morose. Feeling all alone in a crowd. Cut off from the main flow, slowly drying up, shriveled and sad. Why? Beats me. Perhaps it is PLC, this meaningless period that sapped all life out of me. Or perhaps it is the state of the market, in its all time bearishness, where even bonds have failed. Perhaps. Change. I have changed. So much, yet so gradual. Looking back, I have become a totally different person. I wonder if the old me would have hated the new. I wonder which is the old, and which is really the new. Was I ever myself? Am I multi-faceted, or have I been subconsciously wearing masks? If I am multi- faceted, are all sides equal, or are some greater than others? If it is a masquerade, when will the masks be lifted? When ...

It has been a while since the chrononicler chronicled. But such times of absence doth heighten the suspense that lies interim...Ok, I kid myself. I have only been lazy and busy. Indeed. Much has past in these few weeks For one, I have officially ended my student life. It did not end with a bang, but a meander of baloons in mid flight. It is however, a start. It was an unhappy start, filled with chagrin and wist, full of pit stops and regrets. Yet, it is a start, nevertheless. A start as good as any. Henceforth, it is head on towards the ups and downs of life as an adult. Sigh. For another, the week marks the start of my plc. Indeed, a period of mental pain, physical stagnation, and general lethargy - I feel so useless now copared to last month! I feel no rush of adrenaline when put to a case, and I feel no pride in what I do. What I am interested to learn, I know I know beyond what is taught; what I have no use for, I have no interest to learn. Caught in a dilemma as tight as a gordia...

It has come to an end. The weeks of work, regular hours and corporate surroundings has come to a stop today. Back again, to the unregulated world of lessons, lectures, tutorials and seminars. Boring... The weeks flew by, almost like a dream. It seemed like yesterday when I complained of idleness, for indeed, I made the very same complain yesterday. It seemed like eons ago, when the I was given work. Indeed, eons passed.... For now, the start of school, the end of work, the beginning of an ended cycle - who knows when or where it will stop? My fate is still uncertain.

and so it is.... My dream came true... the thawing of the ice around my naked room. Work piled up, only to be decimated by nightfall. A neverending game of hide and seek with the clock. Time slips by when one is happy, and flies by when you are busy. When you are happily busy, it zooms! and so it is.... Due in August.

the return. It is ironic, how my first entry in a long time is written in the firm. Life is indeed full of surprises. I had expected sleepless nights and endless work, content with prospect for some free time to perhaps catch a breather or two. Little did I expect my own office (for unbridled privacy and freedom to surf), my pupil master to be this taciturn lady renown in the firm as a kind and motherly person. And the surprising (and somewhat disturbing) lack of work. Granted, I do not know much of warrants, and the theortical aspects of M&A glenned from school and Investopedia does not really give me any right to partake in any deals. Nevertheless, I feel SO left out, when everyone is running around in their own pool of work, and there I am twiddling pens in my office. Looking out at the sea and the uncompleted casino. Life is good. Too good. So good it bores. Amen. I get off at 6, shapr. Earlier than those pple at Corp and IPT! Where is the adrenaline boost of a 24hr deal? There...

i want rain  rain to clean  rain to make me go to sleep  rain to tell me it is time to go  rain to tell me to justtake things slow  rain to come to cloud the skies  rain to come, late in the night  rain to come, with lightning and thunder  rain to come, to wake me up  from my wide-awake slumber  every waking moment a surreal dream  by the sound of thunder, shattered atream  every memory, past present future  drenched in the waters of the eternal rain  rusted coqwheels, crusted from disuse jolted to movent by volts from above. To know it is meaningless, yet why do i still chase the winds? 

Watched Brokeback, and nearly broke my back laughing. Its hilarious! Loved the scene ironies, the plays of tension, and how normal couply stuff apply to gay couples... interesting. Jess and Adel was hilarious as a combo tho. I should call them the Comedy Duo... they are an slapstick duo made for heaven! Adel and I should be tag teams for the bash-Jess event! AND wait till you go shopping with them! Like kids! Shop No 1: Jess tried to act cute and pout. She got ignored and verbally stabbed. It was so funny, her pout and her post-suan puppyface, that I burst out laughing. Shop No 2: Fighting... FIGHTING over a skirt. Causing so much noise and fracas.. the lovely salesgal dunno whether to laugh, ignore them, or attend to them. I advised her to leave the kids alone... Their antics got me laughing so hard my sides ached tho.. Shop No 3: Jess tried to pout again, and somehow that made the salesgal laugh so hard that she CHOKED. Like WHOA... hahaha.And the salesgal was so ticked that her face...

My uncle finally arrived at 4... after thwarting all my planned social activities for the week with that single mail, he has finally arrived. I dun like entertaining relatives. They either bore me to death, or get too intrusive. But surprisingly, this uncle is interesting. The lilting HK accent aside, he is understandable and very easy to talk to... unassuming and does nto expect us to butter up to him just cos he is an elder shim. I like. Will miss him when he returns to Hk after his arbitration course. Oh well, so long as we are in the same field, our paths will definitely meet! New discovery: I have Hawaiian cousin. REAL polynesian hawaiian a la Lilo and Stitch, not just Chinese Immigrants type... How Cool! So, I have pan-asian, eurasian, asian-african and now, polynesian-asian cousins! We can start a UN conference! Hahahaha... Next trip destination: Hawaii and Florida! Auntie gave birth to twins! Asian-African with blue eyes. How quaint!

It was a sombre affair, tribute service to the departed. We all know he is but elsewhere, yet the bereavement is still shocking. When he was around, I took it for granted, never truly understood the concept of early departure until it is a reality. If only I could turn time back... instead of showing disdain where I should have loved. More. How heartless I have become. Hardened. I realised you can really find financial stuff in the Word. There was a Special Purpose Entity made, such that all debts are transferred to in return for a clean balance sheet. And that SPE took on all debts and raised salvation through grace. Name of that SPE was Christos. Unpassioned, bland depiction of salvation? Perhaps. Yet, in essence thats how he bought all our debts, and died paying it... for us? Rise of the merchant class... the result of globalisation and the dilution of people as corporal entities. Now, it is all money money money. Sickens me. More so, cos I have been sucked into it. Now I begin to s...

Where does ownership lie? Where dies title vest? Who has the right to order? "I will not sacrifice what does not cost me a price" Indeed... how true. Basis of nemo dat rule. How can I cede what is not mine, what I do not have? To truely give, I must first have it and then give away. Inclusive chose of future rights... Looking back, it was really a case of "where did the title vest?". I had the freedom, absolute freedom to deal, that result from the ultimate waiver. Yet, you never know freedom till you exercise that right. And until you exercise that right and later assign it, you never truly give it away. Today, as I listened to some of my peers debating over morality, it chanced upon me that there exist 2 brands of people: those who know, and those who experienced. The difference is clear. There is no clear line which is right, yet it disgusts me when the former group brands the whole world wrong because they failed to truly see. Bah. I strived to be both, yet I kn...

What is life but a series of events, strung though the threads of time, The strings of events both great and small, each a pearl in our memories.. There is a time for everything. When we are budding, we experience growth, a series of "firsts"... the first step, first word, first teeth. As we grow, the first fren, the first test, the first failure.. etc etc.. In time, we know the effects of time by what our peers do. What happens at the natural course of time... is just natural. Tragedy is where events happen before their time. Death comes to us all, a decided fate the moment we first drew breath. We will all surely die. Yet, it is the manner of death,a nd the time of death that separates the tragic from the predestined. He left a happy man, after years ravaged by cancer. Assured of his salvation, living life to its fullest, there is no other better way to leave than his. Yet. 28. So young. So much more. So much less. So much. So? Death happens to us all, and the years are but...

Maligned. Discriminated. Angered. Called black by a dark pitted pot. Warned against by a greater wolf. Am I to feel flattered that my reputation precedes me? Hardly. Evil works by evil mouths, malicious words by malicious minds. Bah. Fault me not for having more frens who wear skirts. Fault me not for treating the fairer sex as peers, not targets. Fault me not for being honest and frank. Fault me not for howling with rage at such unjust rants. Warned? Against me? Hah. So the one who befriends is worse than the one who covets. I see the new logic to this. Forgive my conservative mind. I never knew I do ladies a disfavour by befriending them. Shall I henceforth keep my peace, and rejoin the ranks of beasts? For beasts only know the Hunt, live for the Hunt, and die by the Hunt. The very thought fills me with rancour. My peace has been trampled on. Where there was neutrality, there is now disdain; where there was respect, there is now contempt. Where there was camaderie, there is now suspi...