infinite sadness.

I went to bed hopeful and happy. I thought there was still hope, that her call, the nice chat et al was a good sign. I thought, in my self deluded state, that she had truly meant that she was just stressed, and all will be fine when the stress is over.

Note the past tense.

As I reread the message in the lightof day, as I reread its contents I was struck by hopelessness once again. This time, after a build up of hope, after a night of thinking it could still be all right, I am struck afresh with new wounds. I am hurt twice. The same wound is cut twice, has bled twice. If only I can die twice as well.

Her last message was an obvious plea to me, to stop distracting and leave her be. How had I, in my deluded mind, ever construed it as anything else? I, in my deplorable state and behavior, am a stone in her path, and I must be left aside, lest she should trip or fall...
I love her. I still do. More so after the double hurts, cos now I know I truly love her and no other. For her sake I will be out of the way. For her sake I will cease to distract. For her sake I will wait in silence, observing from afar. I pay the price for my previous unthinking unfairness. I pay the price for becoming what I loathed most cos I was afeared of losing her. And lost her I did. What a fool I am.

If I truly love, I would freely release Much as I hurt when I do it, I now freely release. A blight on her life I would cease to be, a blockade on her way I will never remain. My angel is now free as a bird, to fly where she wishes and desires.

I had never felt I deserved her, yet I cleaved unto her like gum. I was afraid to let her leave cos I fear if she does, she wont return. Now I see my cleaving as an act of cruelty on one I love. A painful cuff and heavy chain on fragile limbs. I now lift the cuffs and chains. I now set my prisoner free. Her message was a clear sign for me not to give chase.
If she wants me, she will fly back, but I doubt my angel will ever come back.
I just hope she remembers me in her flight. Not as her cruel captor, but one of the few who loved her.
For now, I wait in silence. The prison warden all alone, in a cell of his own keeping. Utter darkness.