locomotion.

Trying to move along in the train of misbegotten love.... and found out that the going is tough.

For one, you cannot just click MOVE, and expect the train to go... I got stuck after 1mm. There is just so much emotional baggages left to clear my path before I can readily move on. I need to know for myself that we are not possible, that though times were great, more tme together would not be...
I was not given such affirmation, so my tracks for departure is still unmade. The feeling of "hanging" there sucks.

There also the irritating factor called memories. Given that there was so hard feelings to fuel the breakup, that we still care about each other in some ways, the memories just would not go. I cannot bring myself to delete her stuff. I cannot forget her smile and the stuff she did for me. I woke thinking about her, and even when I think about moving on, I think whether she'd move first before I do. Bleah...she was on my mind the whole train trip to work... thus the name.

Lastly, the lack of a proper closure is irritating the hell out of me. I need to look her in the eye and have her tell me its over. Phone breakup is ambigous at best, insulting at worse. I need to know it is the end... then mebbe e can have some coffee, then greet each other goodbye in a nice and frenly way. Right now, either side gets to imagine things... Not very good I suppose. But I guess I blew things up when I called her so many times... Think she's probably afraid to see me now, thinking I'm some psycho... pretty insulting
Nah, I will not stalk her, track her movement, or even call her persistently. What is the point? It takes two hands to clap, and single hand clapping would never produce a sound. Falling upon the salad analogy I used to sheryl, it is no use if the salad is great, but the eater is allergic to some of its component veges. Guess in my case she is allergic to my company.

What ever I do now would be grounded in concern towards her person. I wish her well, I wish her to meet that someone someday. She needs a solid guy to take care of her, to remind her to eat, to fetch her around in a car, to ply her with gifts etc etc.

I guess for me, the train has started to move, but the going is tough. I need to be tougher to get going yes? when will it reach its next terminus? Will it reach the final terminal? What kinda passenger will it take on?
Who will come and who will go?
All these I guess I would never know.
God knows.
He open doors, and He closes them.
It would do me no good to stand between doors and cause a jam.

I love her still. But I am moving on.