returned.

I just got back from the camp. Mixed feelings...it was a time of shock, of rediscovery, of disorientation and familiarity. Of tortured duties and exciting games.

I discovered that I am quite a bad communicator. I speak, yet my ideas never translate itself. I was staring at 5 blank faces most of the time. Very demoralizing. I do not have the patience too - failure to comprehend aftre an attempt or two would have me mentally striking the person off the "to talk to" list. This is sad. I was in a group of ZERO. I discovered that I had the rahrah skills of a rock. It will be a chilly sunless day again if I were to accept a TL role with a glad heart. I also do not empathise with disinterested students. If they need help, I would give an arm and leg to help; if they don't wanna listen, I can wait to use my arms and legs on them. Bleah. The frustration. Agonizing. I realise I do love the needy, but I have very low tolerance for the ungrateful or the playful... bleah.

Being thrust upon with that role, I am fazed beyond measure. I applaud the patience of XQ, tireless follows his errant members around. I admired the sensitivites of F, who truly empathises, and bonds through chips. I congratulate XH, on her successful attempt in assimilation, and I bow before the skillful leading of Adel, who got her 2 male admirers. I was clueless. Between iron handed control and enforcement of rule and the laissez faire indifference I oscillate, often evading the difficulties by zooming in on objectives, which could mean the use of both at the same time. I am so bad at this.

Plus, I realised I have become quite pampered. The sleeping conditions were horrid, and I really dislike the guys who talk when lights are off. In the end, I roamed the classrooms at night, all in the name of patrol.

Yet, I realised that subconsciously I liked it all. Yes, it was gritty, grating and was too strained. But at the final debrief, I realised I had so many fond memories preserved. What was it that made me linger after all is gone? The joy of working with my old compatriots of old. All of us, some together for a decade! All of us different, yet we all responded to the same call. To serve. And the new joy, of meeting the new. Insufferabl brats that they may be at times, their earnest enjoyment of life and youthful exuberance kinda percolates down to our level and brought specks of light into the dark dreariness of adult years. I short: it sucked, but I like. Confessions of a closet masochist.

A note aside: I like dragon boating. Adel claimed it was cos of the innocuous commet by that instructor that so inflated my ego. But realistically, you will not ever like something you will never be able to do right? I guess physical compatibility should be a factor. New interest?

Lindyhop in sept, salsa in oct, and dragonbaot in between, coupled with running... Yay!