disatisfaction.
I hate being home. Home makes me go soft, makes me lose my goals and targets. Home makes me go all placid and languid, makes me waste time that I could ill afford. At the end of the day, what is home? Where did that concept of home spring from? Should I even subscribe to it? Home is where I belong. Issue now is, where do I truly belong? I dun feel charged by rest, but burdened. I feel harassed at home. Is this what home should feel like? I hope not!
Went for a run, but had to stop cos the food was undigested and caused hell in my tummy. Why? Cos I ate too late. And after dinner fruits were forced upon. The interrupted run kinda tops out the ineffectualness of homestay. I wanna get back. So much to do, so little time. Cannot waste more time on homecomings.
Had a talk with sis on the issue, and I realised one thing - I am living in a desert. Emotional, spiritual and intellectual. I need rain! To come before I die of thirst. I can feel the cracking of the top soil now... little things make me snap now. I have lost my patience for even the reasonable things in life. I am burning up, slowly yet steadily - combustion not by direct heat but by the elimination of everything else. Feels like I'm being squeezed into a jar. Filled with vinegar to be preserved as exhibit A. Argh.
When will I get my satisfaction with life back? When will my old self return? Would I still recognise the old me if it is thrown across my tracks? How much have I changed? ARgh, I hate the change... Change me back!!!! Dammit.
I seem to have lost it when I met her. Was it a curse? Think it really is. I know it sounds really mean and bad, but perhaps she was right - we were each other's curse right from the start. I thank God that the curse was put to an end. Yet, I have lost too much. Too much. The curse had cut me from my source of life, and now I wander around, dying a slow death before I return to the source. Asphyxiation. Dehydration. Starvation. Common denominator? Death.
Pray. Pray, Pray for me, all ye who read of this.
Went for a run, but had to stop cos the food was undigested and caused hell in my tummy. Why? Cos I ate too late. And after dinner fruits were forced upon. The interrupted run kinda tops out the ineffectualness of homestay. I wanna get back. So much to do, so little time. Cannot waste more time on homecomings.
Had a talk with sis on the issue, and I realised one thing - I am living in a desert. Emotional, spiritual and intellectual. I need rain! To come before I die of thirst. I can feel the cracking of the top soil now... little things make me snap now. I have lost my patience for even the reasonable things in life. I am burning up, slowly yet steadily - combustion not by direct heat but by the elimination of everything else. Feels like I'm being squeezed into a jar. Filled with vinegar to be preserved as exhibit A. Argh.
When will I get my satisfaction with life back? When will my old self return? Would I still recognise the old me if it is thrown across my tracks? How much have I changed? ARgh, I hate the change... Change me back!!!! Dammit.
I seem to have lost it when I met her. Was it a curse? Think it really is. I know it sounds really mean and bad, but perhaps she was right - we were each other's curse right from the start. I thank God that the curse was put to an end. Yet, I have lost too much. Too much. The curse had cut me from my source of life, and now I wander around, dying a slow death before I return to the source. Asphyxiation. Dehydration. Starvation. Common denominator? Death.
Pray. Pray, Pray for me, all ye who read of this.
posted by Zachary Shim | 11:58 pm
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